How to know if you're ready to have children
Feeling very blah. So I'm posting this, sent to me by a friend, while I tend to Child Who Never Sleeps (aka Flybaby).
How to know whether you're ready to have children
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. (I would add: make a nice mess on your in-laws' white carpet.)
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a. m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. (I would add: make a castle, dollhouse and golf game.)
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player (ha!). Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
How to know whether you're ready to have children
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. (I would add: make a nice mess on your in-laws' white carpet.)
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a. m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. (I would add: make a castle, dollhouse and golf game.)
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player (ha!). Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Labels: fun, motherhood
posted by Damselfly at 10:04 AM
17 Comments:
These are hilarious. Thanks for the Monday morning laugh. I can especially relate to the Feeding Test these days.
I needed that this morning.
At 10:30 am on a Monday morning I was so frazzled. I just don't know if I can do it today. Baby seems cranky. Can't figure out why. Shouldn't have told people he's easy because I think I jinxed myself.
Somewehat rested only because I came upstairs to sleep on the couch at 4:00 am and told my husband to come get me when the baby woke up. He grunts and groans in his sleep and I am a light sleeper.
Being stern with the 3yo mostly because I don't have time to deal with her right now. I wouldn't open her sippy so that she could eat the big ice cubes. (It's ok mommy, I'll bite them.)
Husband took the swing to the basement yesterday because we had a big "meet the baby" party yesterday and I could not find the power cord. Would have made sense to put it *with* the swing but of course he didn't. Had to page him at work.
Only have time to read this right now because baby is asleep in the swing (should I even be using a swing to get him to take a nap? Am I creating a potentially needy baby?) and I am neglecting the 3yo. Who knows what she's getting into.
Turned on the TV and intend to keep it on for the next hour to occupy said 3yo.
Still in my PJ's and intend to stay in them all day.
Just ate a piece of cake from the party. And thought the whole time about how large I looked in all the pix. But don't really have the time or energy to follow WW right now.
Wow, don't I sound like a wonderful mother?
Don't forget to that EVERY piece of clothing you have and spray them with Pam, sprinkle them with Kool-aid, and dab them with Mayo. Now let sit for full effects.
LOVE IT. Just sent it to my friends expecting a baby who told us we should get out more often.
Now, that is funny!
Beautiful and true!! I loved the Lego test.
It's Monday - reason enough to feel blah!
I've seen this little memo circulated around, and it's very good!
Have a great rest of the week!
Jane, Pinks & Blues Girls
I have one task that is both more annoying, frustrating, and painful than all of those combined. Hang sheetrock on your ceiling. I will NEVER do that again.
ROFLMAO! I had not seen this one yet! I so remember stepping on Legos and attempting to pick up all the little Lite Brite pegs too! My girls once put abouot 25 pennies int their reanpa's cassette player!
Thanks for the laugh! I may have to share on my blog if you don't mind!
This one really, really had me chuckling -- man, was life a piece of cake way back when! I especially like the physical test for women. Story of my life...
SNORT!
Oh my word. There are actual tears of amusemnet running down my face.
Take the GOATS shopping. Guffaw! That couldn't any worse than the half eaten packages of UNOPENED cheese I used to come home with.
I am linking a zillion people to this blog entry. Sheesh!
HAHAHAHA!! I am e-mailing this post to all my single friends!!
One day you'll write about it happening, that magical moment in time when you realize that you are free to do something - bathroom business, husband/wife lovin' business, reading 'bout other people's business, whatever- because your little demonic angel has at long last found the path to slumber. Of course with mone she soon discovered she'd rather stay on the path of terrorizing her weary parents with demands for this and that, but still, one day you'll enjoy a soundtrack of snoring, I promise.
Hang in there sweet mama.
Ugh! The night test!
Very funny! Will there be a follow-up: "How to know if you're ready for #2"?
The reason this is soooo funny is because it's true. Ack!
My kids have a knack of eating chocolate ice cream only while wearing white clothing. It's never white again.
I think my clothes are clean if they only have one or two stains on them!
What a great post. I think you covered all areas. My favorite was the beanbag chair.
Cas
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