Monday, June 11, 2007

Slo-mo poo show

For anyone who's ever been in a car crash ... made an elaborate show of spilling sangria on your new white pants ... watched as your mother's favorite vase toppled and smashed to bits after you were horsing around ... or maybe were tossed fully clothed into a swimming pool by your older brother ... you know how some unfortunate events in life seem to happen in slow motion. And all you can do is watch.


Yesterday, JP, Flybaby and I celebrated Father's Day a week early at his parents' house. JP's sister, Sabee, and her husband and boy were there too. Just a nice family gathering to bestow gifts on dear old Dad.

Just as it was time for everyone to help themselves buffet-style, JP and I smelled something.

"The deviled eggs on the table?" I asked.

"Uh-uh," JP said.

"I'll change Flybaby," I said. "It's your special day."

I took Fly to a back bedroom, laid out a blanket, and started to HOLY HECK WHAT A SMELL! started to OH MY GOSH, WHERE DID ALL THIS POO COME FROM? started to "HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

Flybaby flipped over onto all fours and started crawling across my in-laws' carpet.

Perfect, off-white carpet.

You can see where this is going.

And I saw exactly where it all went -- poo creeped up the back of Fly's diaper, onto his romper (one single piece of clothing, only one!), and was now making a horrible, smelly decoration on the wall-to-wall. In that moment, I thought for sure I was on a reality show edited and slowed down to show just what kind of slacker mom I am. (Even though I'm not the Queen of Poop.)

"JP!" I called.

JP was on the scene in a flash. He held Flybaby while I used every wipe we had to clean his bottom, his back -- oh, now it's on his arms, his legs, his ... well, his whole body, actually.

This was happening all while Fly was screaming, which brought JP's mother to the room, and I felt just like the newly soiled spot on her floor.

I think God makes people parents to keep them humble.

JP's mother, MM, cheerfully cleaned the carpet ("We're washable!"), and JP took Fly's romper and washed it in the bathroom sink so it could be tumbled dry in the dryer. I put a new diaper on Fly and tried to get him to quiet down.

MM carried nearly naked Flybaby into the dining room where the whole family was now eating ("Flybaby! What a good look for you!" Sabee said), and I gathered up the wipes, yucked-up blanket and a towel that had appeared from somewhere, stuffing it all in a bag.

I felt so bad that I couldn't eat dinner after all that. I couldn't even look at anyone. Oh, the shame! I imagined Sabee snickering to herself about how I couldn't keep my baby under control. I imagined her and MM tsk-tsking me after we would leave. How the Great Father's Day Poo Stain of 2007 story would come to be told for years to come. How MM would warn me to bring my own changing table next time we visit.

If there's any one trait I want to display in front of JP's family -- especially now that I'm a mother -- it's competence. I think this stems from my first day alone with Flybaby, when MM declared I couldn't possibly take care of Flybaby all by myself! Since that day, I have gone to almost super-human lengths to prove her wrong. I can take care of my baby very well, thank you, and not only that, but hey! I'll host Thanksgiving dinner too! I'll design and mail birth announcements with the 53 thank-you notes I had to write after receiving so many gifts for Fly. I'll keep going even when I get mastitis.

And then -- oh, thankfully -- something like a poosplosion happens to take me down a notch and remind me I'm just a normal parent with a normal baby who poos the way babies sometimes poo, and if that means my child sits naked at the family dinner table for Father's Day? Tough tacos.

Let she who has never lost control of her child cast the first stone.

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Blogger Lissete said...

Holy poo! I'm sure that all moms have had a run in with a pooplosion! My MIL rolled her eyes at me once when I called for my DH to help with a similarly poopied baby.

Poop happens! And I would've love to see her clean that up on her own!

4:29 PM  
Blogger Awesome Mom said...

Well it could have been worse, it could have gotten all over you too.

5:52 PM  
Blogger Kristi said...

Oh my gosh! What a story. And amen to your last line. Babies are babies, and I've yet to see a mother whose darling offspring is perfect all of the time.

It is interesting, though. Before I had Isabella, I'd see a baby or a child acting up in public, and I'd think, "Geez. That mother (or father) needs to gain some control over that kid." Now?
I get it. Oh boy, do I soooo get it. ;)

6:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I think all 3 of my kids did the whole POOP up the back thing, but they tended to do it in a STORE, where I had to clean them up in a bathroom of very snooty women.

I feel your pain! And I smell your son's POOP! xoxo

7:44 PM  
Blogger Dayngr said...

Amen sister! Isn't it crazy that we do this to ourselves? We place this insane expectations on ourselves and then kill ourselves trying to live up to them. Makes a mommy want to scream. Oh how we torture ourselves.

12:27 AM  
Blogger groovyoldlady said...

You know, we go to parenting classes and take Lamaze and read books, but no one ever prepares us for a little darling who poops lovely liquidy yellow breastfed poop all over her beautiful dress JUST BEFORE she's going to be dedicated to God in church in front of 600 people.

What kind of mother brings her baby to a dedication service in outgrown Osh-Kosh over-alls?

7:09 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

OHHHHHHH boy. So been there, done that. Well, actually, my kids have both done that. I LOVE "pooplosion." Expect to find it on my blog sometime. :-)

8:42 AM  
Blogger ~Melissa~ said...

Oh my - what a story!! I would have been feeling the same way, in fact, I've been there before.

9:29 AM  
Anonymous mayberry said...

My son is two and spent last Sunday's entire church service in a polo shirt and a diaper - because he managed to soak his pants, socks and soes within 5 minutes of arrival. So there you go...

9:43 AM  
Blogger Guinevere Meadow said...

I wonder if JP did anything like that when he was a baby that MM might remember. And PLEASE don't beat yourself up for not being able to control Fly's bodily functions.

S*** happens!!!

4:16 PM  
Blogger Bon said...

oy, oy. the first stone, indeed.

i will say the story made me laugh, in that awful, sympathetic, oh-lord-i-see-where-this-is-going kinda way...

and it made me snap my head around too, and ask myself if i'd missed father's day or something!

i am now with the program. :)

5:58 PM  
Blogger Mama's Moon said...

Uh Boy, this sure is one for the 'pooh' books. I completely felt your pain while I was reading this. For some reason the pooh-Gods always seem to have a hayday in testing my motherly abilities anytime we are away at a family gathering; ones in which all eyes are on me to see how well I'm coping with the joys of motherhood.

Thankfully it happens to everybody. And if someone is too proud to admit (or even remember it happening to them) then, I must say, they've gotta shitload of reality comin' for them!

12:45 AM  
Anonymous chelle said...

hehe Poop totally happens!

1:56 AM  
Blogger Freckle Face Girl said...

What a nightmare! I guess from now on, your hubby should change the diapers at MM's house (that way it will be his fault). :)

7:12 AM  
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Yep. Been there. Except the poo didn't hit the carpet so much as my forehead.

8:32 AM  
Anonymous Rebecca said...

When I was about 15 and baby-sitting, the kid did the up-the-back, "I need a bath", poosplosion thing. It's amazing I ever had kids! lol

1:07 PM  

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