But Mama gets all the sugar

After a little more than a year of parenting, I have learned a shocking truth: even though a child might have two parents, parenting duties aren't shared 50/50.

I know, you're laughing at me. Snickering at my naivete. Go ahead and laugh. I'll wait.

Still laughing? Wiping tears from your eyes? Here's a Kleenex. Really, I'll continue when you're done.

Finished?

Being a parent is a tough job. It must be especially hard if you're a single parent having to be both mom and dad to a child. Even when you have another person to share parenting with, though, it can still be difficult to adjust to the huge life change you have to experience in order to truly understand.

Like today. JP came home sick yesterday and didn't work today. All day, he lay in bed. He moped over his bowl of soup (that I prepared for him) at the kitchen table. He watched TV. He basically had the days off to rest and relax.

Fly and I were sick the week before his birthday. Did I get to sleep as much as I wanted? Did I get to lie around in my underwear? Did JP watch Fly? Ha! Now it's my turn to laugh. JP got two sick days, and I got a week of being sick. I know I sound whiny, but it's not fair. I've kept my vicious comments to myself (OK, I shared them with friends) so as to help JP recover more quickly.

When we have a party, I watch and take care of Fly. Same story for when we go on trips. And because Fly sleeps only about two hours more than I do in a day, I don't get much of a break.

I am really learning what it means to have no time for yourself.

I don't want to give the impression that JP never does anything. He's excellent at putting things together and fixing things when they break. He's super handy at all kinds of things. He takes care of the yard. But he helps me with Fly basically only when he feels like it.

I know that because I stay at home with Fly, my primary job is taking care of him and that JP's primary job is to work so we can pay our bills. I get that -- I really do -- and in so many ways, I'm thankful. However, it's been a huge adjustment to go from a couple of people in love who make decisions and plans together and who share everything together ... to a couple of people who apparently have split duties down a very defining line. There's a new invisible his/hers boundary where a mushy ours openness existed. This wasn't explained to me. It's not what I bargained for. It's what I have learned to expect, though. I know I will go back to work at some point, but that will likely be after these care-intensive baby years are over.

As I was crying on my friend's shoulder relaying these thoughts to my friend Roo, who has been through this, she acknowledged my feelings and tried to cheer me up by saying, "Yeah, but Mama gets all the sugar."

I get to hold Fly. JP holds his briefcase. I get to kiss Fly whenever I want. JP has to wait until he comes home. I got to see Fly take his first steps. JP got a phone call about it. I get the crying and the teething and the poosplosions and the sore nipples -- but I also get the biggest smiles and the little fingers that still wrap around my thumb, the satisfaction of singing Fly to sleep and the chance to take care of my baby the way I want to.

Yes, I get all the sugar, and I'm learning to lick up all the sugar in spite of the dust.

(Thanks to Scribbit for hosting the Write-Away Contest, whose theme this month is learning. And guess what? I won an honorable mention! Yay!)

Toolbox for New Dads

When JP and I were expecting Flybaby, we felt we were on a mission to Do Everything Right. We took a series of prenatal classes at the local hospital. We also took an infant CPR class. We wanted a knock-your-baby-socks-off nursery (which JP did almost single-handedly, and proudly.) And JP brought me roses every month!

JP's co-worker and his wife were also expecting, but it was their second time around. The co-worker recommended JP take yet another class called Daddy Boot Camp. JP never got around to taking that class (probably because he was sanding and varnishing Flybaby's furniture), but I suspect his co-worker filled him in on a lot. Either that, or JP was born knowing how to swaddle and rock a baby to sleep.

Turns out there's a DVD that would have been a great substitute -- even better than a substitute -- for Daddy Boot Camp: Toolbox for New Dads by Armin Brott, who has written lots of books for fathers. This DVD is by a dad, for a dad, and it covers the basics: what babies do (crying, eating including breastfeeding, pooping, sleeping, etc.) and what you can do with a baby (how to interact with your baby).

The best part of the DVD, though is a section called Life with a Baby. Ooh, this is a goody! This is something the classes we took didn't touch. On this DVD, it's man to man: "Hey, brother, things are going to change. Your wife might get the baby blues. She might get depressed. There are going to be intimacy issues. Don't take it personally. You are going to be a dad for the rest of your life." There's also a section on work that offers this golden advice: as a dad, you may be tempted to work more in order to provide more for your family -- but if that means you're gone from your family more, you'll just be adding more stress to your family life, not making things better. I'm happy to say JP has taken this advice to heart.

The DVD has a bonus section that shows how to diaper and swaddle a baby, talks about what to do when "bad things happen" (if your baby is born ill or stillborn) and tells Armin's story of how he came to fill the role of "the dad's dad" in writing so many books ... and now this DVD! For him, necessity was the father of invention. There weren't any books giving dads advice on how to be dads -- so he wrote them.

JP enjoyed the DVD, and I think Fly watched some of it too. (Fly loved the portrait photos that scroll during some of the fatherhood discussions throughout the DVD, especially the photos of dads with their babies!) The title Toolbox for New Dads sure caught JP's attention -- he's all about tools! If you know someone soon to be a dad, this is a great gift.