Belly shots

Look at the photos my friend Guinevere took of me today! She's so talented.







Check out her photo blog here.

I didn't really want my picture taken much when I was pregnant with Fly. I don't know why I feel differently this time. I hope Fly doesn't care!

What I didn't know about motherhood

Did anyone see the "Secret Lives of Moms" show on Oprah yesterday? There was some blogger and Twitter buzz about it because Dooce appeared on the show. (Dooce, the blogger and writer who needs no introduction or explanation -- she was on Oprah because of her blog! And her book.)

I don't watch Oprah much, but I tried to catch a bit of the show yesterday. Moms were confessing things they have done and talking about how hard motherhood is and how they sometimes feel like failures. And it seemed a good part of the show was about how no one tells you stuff like this is going to happen before you become a mom.

I might have mentioned here before that a friend tried to warn me about some of motherhood's rougher areas -- but she did it at my baby shower. Where everyone was happy. Where people were talking about Fly with excitement. Where I was opening gift after sweetly wrapped gift. Where I likely had a sugar high.

That's not a good time to tell the mom-to-be, "You know, motherhood is tough. Sometimes your baby won't sleep, and so you won't sleep, either, and that alone can make you go crazy. A baby can put a strain on your marriage. Have you and JP talked about this?" That kind of thing. My friend caught me off guard. I tried -- but probably failed -- to appear interested in what she was saying while giving her non-replies.

Thinking back to my baby shower, and thinking about yesterday's Oprah show, I wonder if it really would have made a difference if my friend had tried to talk to me in a different time or place. Every one of us moms might have a "I wish had known about" list in our minds when it comes to being a mom.

But I'm not sure if it would have mattered if my friend had taken a different tack with me. I think some things you have to learn on your own, from experience -- and I think motherhood is probably one of them. Of course, having some knowledge beforehand can prepare you on one level, but living it day to day? I don't think anyone can really prepare you for that.

I had read breastfeeding is actually hard. But I didn't know in Fly's first several weeks that I would come to dread every time he had to eat because it made me cry in pain.

I knew I would lose sleep. Duh. But I didn't know sleep deprivation does nasty things to your mind and your personality.

I knew I wouldn't have much time for myself. But I didn't know that would mean my skin would feel like it was crawling after three days without a shower, or that I would feel invisible passing beautiful young women in the store, or that part of me would be desperate to travel a couple hours away to snorkel, hike or look for birds.

I knew JP and I would need to adjust to being a threesome with our Flybaby after having been just the two of us since we met each other at 15. But I didn't realize I would have rather uncharitable thoughts toward JP because his life hasn't seemed to have changed as much as mine and because I still get jealous of him whenever he's sick because he goes straight to bed and just lies there until he's better (which I can't do).

I had a mild notion that it could be hard to stay home with a baby all day, but I didn't know even two and a half years later that every day I wrack my brain to answer, "What am I going to do with this child all day?"

Motherhood is too big of a life change to be prepared and ready to tackle everything that comes at you. And as your child grows, new challenges come at you all the time. I was just talking with a friend last night -- an "experienced mom" -- who says worrying over your kids can get worse after they have left the house and started their own families.

Once a mom, always a mom.

So while I think it's definitely helpful to clue in a mom-to-be with the realities of what it's like to be a mom, I don't think anyone can expect to really know what they're getting into. Each child is different, anyway. The only way to work motherhood is just jump in there and do what has to be done for your individual child. We each write our own manual by day-to-day parenting.

And maybe that's the ultimate advice for moms-to-be: be prepared, get advice or help. And write your own mama script every day.

Health, showers, friends and other joys

Dealing with pregnancy fatigue and still dealing with a head cold (week three -- this bug has stamina!), I have an embarrassing amount of e-mails to respond to and an obscene number of posts in my reader that I couldn't possibly catch up on. I haven't been on Twitter in about a week. I had great plans for the Ultimate Blog Party including daily visits to the chat room I set up and additional giveaways (Jodifur won the Mothers & Children book). But they went the way of good intentions.

Despite my sorry physical state, I'm thankful for good general health -- for me and my family. Sometimes, I think being sick really makes you appreciate your health.

I appreciate being able to take a shower. For some reason, it occurred to me this week that I'm fortunate because my simple, quick shower routine is probably like a spa treatment to many people in the world.

I'm thankful for my real-life friends and mom posse, and also for my blog buddies. They -- you -- really prop me up.

I'm relieved every time someone greets me and doesn't comment on my expanding body size.

These are just some of the simple joys I discovered this week.

Viral

Fly had a virus last week, after we returned from the Bahamas, and we spent most of last week just basically doing nothing.

And it was so, so nice.

When we finally came out of our cave, I confessed to friend Guinevere I actually enjoyed Fly getting sick. She didn't flinch, wasn't shocked, didn't gape at me or carry her child away from my toxic presence. What a friend.

She understands that Fly getting sick meant he was by my side most of the day -- on my lap or in my arms for a hug, even -- he didn't act up and I got some much-needed rest, even though I had to get up with him in the middle of the night.

It was good to know I can still soothe my boy and that he still wants his mama to be there for him.

Three bloggers and a baby

Here's my last Say It Forward post. Every Friday, 5 Minutes for Mom asks for a list of up to three bloggers who loyally comment. I've played along for a month now and think I'll stop because -- even though you are all wonderfully loyal commenters -- I don't want anyone's eyes to glaze over when/if they happen by here on Fridays and stop paying attention to the bloggers I link to.

Here are more cool chiquitas.

Nicole of Naptime Optional and The Nicole Show. She seems to have so much fun on her blogs, whether it's her weekly movie quote guessing game or talking about her daughter's fairy wings.

Mozi Esme. Esme is a toddler who writes her own blog! With her mama's help, of course. She is American but lives in Mozambique, helping the people and learning about the culture there.

Melissa at Banana Migraine. Here is one crafty mama! Get this -- she spins her own yarn! Then she knits it into beautiful creations. There are always cute pics of her son and daughter on her blog.

- - - - -

It may be Friday the 13th, but it was a lucky day for Tatiana at It Was a Very Good Year, who had her baby girl, Maia, today. There are more expectant mamas on the Bustin' Out Babies list.

A nice way to say thanks

It's Say It Forward Carnival day! Every Friday, 5 Minutes for Mom asks for a list of up to three bloggers who loyally comment. This is a nice way to say thanks.

I think this is week three. It's been fun. I think I'll stop next week, though -- not because I have run out of loyal commenters, but I don't want anyone's eyes to glaze over when/if they happen by here on Fridays. Then no one will pay any attention to the bloggers I link to.

Here are more magnificent mamas.

Nadine at Just Being Me. Nadine is such a sweet, gentle and wise spirit. But she also has a fun sense of humor. Not only is she a blogger, but she is an author too -- her book Prisoner of Circumstance came out recently.

Nicole at Much More Than a Mom. I've been reading Nicole's blog for a long time. I love how devoted she is to her family. And she has another cool blog, The Opinionated Parent, where she reviews and gives away great stuff for parents.

The Angel Forever. This angel always seems to have something fun or interesting to report about her family. Or, an intriguing and helpful list. I love seeing her family photos and hope she posts pictures from her upcoming Disney trip.

- - - - -

This has nothing to do with anything, but I just wanted to point out my constantly updated list of expecting mom bloggers. If you're expecting a baby and want to be on the list, just let me know at growingalife at gmail dot com.

Saying it forward

It's Say It Forward Carnival time again! A day to spotlight loyal commenters, held by 5 Minutes for Mom on Fridays.

This week, I continue with other fabulous mamas.

Kristi at Interrupted Wanderlust. She really should win the commenting prize of all time because not only does she have an active toddler at home, but newborn twins! And she still manages to blog and comment! I can't figure it out. But I'm grateful and honored because I know how precious her time is.

Elizabeth at My Bloggy Life. We share the same birthday! What else do we have in common? Uhh.... we both have a little boy with blond hair. We both blog. (Duh.) But she surpasses me in her craft-making and sewing. And she's a teacher. And a basketball player. And she lives near the Canadian Rockies. Our differences don't matter, though; she's just fun.

Carabee at Land of Bean. She has an adorable little girl and fun things to say. She can rock a cute haircut. And you should see the great wedding photo on her sidebar. Carabee is so ambitious that she is doing the "101 things in 1001 days." She always seems to have something fun going on or a funny take on what's going on.

Psst! If you're not on my blogroll but would like to be, just let me know. I've had some new readers in the past several months and don't want to leave anyone out.

To all the commenters I've loved before ... and currently

I love you, man. And you and you and you. Yes, you. So I hope to thank you during the Say It Forward Carnival of Loyal Commenters held by 5 Minutes for Mom on Fridays.

I'm supposed to feature a few of my most loyal commenters each Friday, and I will try to do that for the next few weeks. All the Say It Forward posts are linked on the 5 Minutes for Mom site.

While I'm at it, if you're not on my blogroll but would like to be, just let me know.

Here are three bloggers who endure my ups and downs, weird moods and strange fashion choices. Look for more next Friday. Bloggers, that is -- not my quirks.

Heather at Cool Zebras. This mama has three kids (including a baby!) and at least that many blogs in addition to her own Etsy shop, where she sells handmade greeting cards and tutus. Plus, she's Twitterific. I don't know how she gets so much done. I think her secret is she doesn't sleep.

Chelle at Creative Thoughts by Chelle. This is another person who does so much and I can't figure out how. She is a blog designer and also writes at Being Savvy. She runs, swims and knits. I should also mention she has two munchkins and is due with her third child a month after I am!

Madeline at My Boy and Me. She always has fun pictures to share, especially of her little boy, and she creates amazing quilts! She is a real artist. And you just might catch a photo of her wearing some hot-mama red shoes.

Thanks, gals, for your encouraging, funny and inspiring comments!

Friends from the beginning

Mozi Esme tagged me for a meme to go to my fourth folder and pull out the fourth picture in it. Because my blog is short on inspiration lately, I was thankful to have something to post! I may even do another meme tomorrow! Oops, should I tell you that in advance? Well, I hope you stop by anyway because it's fun.

The fourth picture in my fourth folder isn't a great photo -- just a snapshot -- but I couldn't part with it.



This is Fly (on the right) and his friend Lance as babies. I think this was the first outing my friend Guinevere and I had after Lance was born -- we took the boys for a walk in the park. I think we talked about losing weight and 529 college plans. Considering we were both new moms, we probably also talked about poop. (Don't all new moms talk about poop?!)

Just for comparison, here are the boys last week.



They've grown up together since day one -- well, actually day two -- Fly visited Lance in the hospital the day after he was born! And now that Lance comes to spend the day with us twice a week, the boys have gotten even closer. They even ask for each other sometimes when they're apart.

And you know what, I think Guinevere and I still talk about poop!

If you need some bloggy inspiration, I tag you!

Going swimmingly

Week two (or is it three?) of watching my friend's son a couple days a week while she returns to school, and things are going well.



(Yes, those are just swim diapers. And a $6 kiddie pool the boys had been jumping in and out of -- thus the leaves. I run a very classy daycare.)

(But you have to realize it was so hot that I would have been running around in my undies too if I could have. There are laws against that, though....)

The two-child test drive

So this is what it's like to have two children.

Two drinks that will get lost.

Two diapers that will be filled.

Two meals that will go ignored.

Twice the getting-into ability.


Living room aftermath


Family room aftermath

Twice the desire for the same piece of real estate.


This playground isn't big enough for both of us!

Two sleepyheads that need a nap, no matter how they might protest.

Two times the fun!


What would I do without my friend?

If things work out, starting today I'll be watching friend Guinevere's son two times a week while she goes back to school. And I get to take the idea of having a second child for a test run.

What advice do you have on taking care of two or more children? Any good stories to share?

These are the days

Looking back at pictures and videos of Fly as a little baby, I get this woozy feeling that I didn't appreciate his little-babyness as I should have, that I missed out somehow. Maybe I was too busy taking care of him to enjoy him fully, I wonder. That makes me a little sad -- almost as though I lost a part of him.

But I am enjoying Fly now. And I hope two years from now, I won't look back, and think and feel I missed out on this time in Fly's life. Every day, I hold this munchkin-sized creature and try to savor everything that he is, in that moment.

This week, a friend and I are attempting to seize these moments with our kids and squeeze out the last bit of summer before school starts on Monday (for her). Today, we went to watch airplanes and to explore a beach we'd never been to. Tomorrow and the next day are surprise places she doesn't know about. Friday, we plan on going to the zoo. There is also a movie night and Pampered Chef party at her house thrown in for good measure. We are taking the bread and sopping up the broth the spoon can't reach -- a summer that's good to the last drop.

- - - - -

These are days you'll remember.
Never before and never since, I promise,
will the whole world be warm as this.
And as you feel it, you'll know
it's true that you are blessed and lucky.
It's true that you are touched by something
that will grow and bloom in you.

These are days you'll remember.
When May is rushing over you
with desire to be part of the miracles you see in every hour.
You'll know
it's true that you are blessed and lucky.
It's true that you are touched by something
that will grow and bloom in you.

These are days.

These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.
These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.
And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be.
See the signs and know their meaning.
It's true, you'll know how it was meant to be.
Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you.
--10,000 Maniacs

Just phoning it in?

For the past week, I've gone without my usual hijinks partner, Guinevere, while she spends time with her family. Fly and I have had to try to have some fun without her and Lance, Fly's best little buddy. It's been hard, though.


Friends don't let friends near husbands with cameras


O how I miss my friend

While friendless, a funny thing has happened: Fly and I have found three new fun things to do that we might not have discovered if we hadn't been swimming in their pool while they're gone had to rely on our peeps' good will to hang out with us. And I can't wait to surprise them with these fun new places.

This only serves to make me ask whether I'm trying too hard to entertain Fly, or not trying hard enough when it comes to my friends!

Friends are there for the birthday cake

Fly had a milestone today: his first little-kid/friend birthday party. His friend Lancelot celebrated his first birthday today, a couple days early. This meant a lot to Fly, as he visited Lance in the hospital the night after he was born. What a pal. I guess you could say Fly and Lance are lifelong friends.

Being a friend means sharing your birthday presents:



Being a friend means trying to lend a hand (literally) when it comes to exciting new things like eating birthday cake:



And being a friend means being patient and forgiving:



Happy first birthday, Lancelot. And happy birthday to you, Guinevere, as you celebrate a year of being a mama!

Mom Sorority

Janet at Three and Holding asked, "Has blogging had any unanticipated side effects on your behaviour or life?"

I commented that blogging has made me realize we moms are more alike than we are different.

Before JP and I thought seriously about having a child, I felt we were like the odd couple out. Almost everyone we knew who was our age had children. People with children tend to do things with other people who have children. I knew this because one by one, we saw the majority of our good friends drop out of our lives after the baby came. We sent cards. We called. We e-mailed. But you can only have a one-sided relationship for so long....

I began to think that if we were going to have any friends at all, we'd have to have a baby just to have a social life.

And I admit that back then, when I would see moms, I would wonder what it was about having a baby that made you shun childless friends. I'm a nice person. I enjoy playing with little ones. Heck, I went to all those baby showers -- why wouldn't my friends want me around the actual baby? I began to be afraid of moms my age, just a little bit, probably a fear of the unknown. They had their own secret society -- a mom sorority that I wasn't allowed to enter.

After several years of all that, though, I just put it behind me. I forgot about it. And when the baby pinings became so intense, and when JP and I finally had Fly, the mom sorority fears surfaced again. What if I didn't fit in? What if having a child was only a small part of being accepted?

Then I found mom blogs. I read the funny posts, the cranky posts, the tantrum struggle posts, the up-all-night-sick posts, the deep and thoughtful posts about what it means to love your child. I realized moms are all different, but we all want the best for our children. We want the best for our own lives, apart from our children, too.

Meeting new moms in my hometown cemented this fact. There is a sorority of sorts. And that's comforting to me, now.

Even though some of my old friends flaked out on me, that stuff doesn't matter anymore. What matters is the community of mamas around me -- online and offline.

And I'm thankful to you all for that.

You are so beautiful to me

...And if you have been a regular or even sometime commenter here, I'd like to send you a holiday card. If you'd like a card from me, please contact me privately with your address! (growingalife at gmail dot com)

Love your mother

You know I love to spend time outdoors (even if I'm not a mountain climber), so I couldn't let Take A Child Outside Week pass me by without doing just that.

Fly and I roped his friend Lancelot and his mama Guinevere (Star) into going to a local park that is mainly a swamp. It recently opened after being closed for two years due to a very bad storm.

Fortunately, it appears the swamp has survived.


A ruddy daggerwing butterfly


Beautyberry bushes

We even saw some wildlife!


Pileated woodpeckers


Um, yeah

Guinevere and I might have to keep trying to bring up the boys to love nature, though.....



PS [soapbox] Take A Child Outside Week is going on through Sunday, but any time is a good time to spend with your children in nature and teach them to love Mother Earth! [/soapbox]

Laughing too loudly

Remember how I wrote that I am not good at making friends? That I can't go from friendly (which I am usually super friendly to everyone) to an actual friendship?

Well, one time, I made a friend easily. We were both new in our high school. Two new girls from other states just trying to figure everything out. I had a slumber party for my 16th birthday (I know!), and I invited her. I knew we were going to be friends when a small food fight broke out* (I think it was really just the flinging of uneaten pepperoni slices), and the two of us were the ones laughing the loudest. The other girls complained we were laughing too loudly!

Well, that friend has a new blog. And she's funny and has two cute boys. I mean sons. If you want to, go over and say hi to her.

*I don't advocate wasting food this way, but I guess I thought it was funny at the time....

Where are you, Jamie Lynn Drury?

I am not good at making friends.

I try to be friendly with everyone -- even strangers, when there's a good vibe there. But for some reason, it seems to take me a long time to go from friendly to friend.

Just ask Star/Guinevere. I think it was a good three months of seeing her twice a week before we actually knew each other well enough and got together just to hang out before we considered each other friends. Guinevere, however, can make a new friend in 10 minutes. She did so recently, in front of the library, when she and another mom showed up at the same time to find the library closed. So they went shopping together at the store next door and exchanged phone numbers. What drives me crazy about this is -- it turns out I have met this same woman and her baby three times already!

I have seen moms at Baby and Me class form bonds, hug, go out to lunch and host parties at their homes. I see them pair up at the mall. It just makes me feel rejected. Defective. And jealous, too, I suppose. What do they have that I don't? Maybe I'm just not as trusting as most other people? Maybe there is some latent shyness in my character?

Or maybe friendship means so much more to me than just that phone call, that kiss on the cheek when meeting, that playdate, that MySpace-era friend collecting to see who can get the most people to say they like you. When I make a friend, I feel it is forever (or unfortunately in the case of too many people I have befriended, at least until you move away and stop returning my calls, e-mails and letters). I have friends going way back....

My first friend was two years old. I was four. We lived next door to each other (when I was visiting my father and stepmother on weekends and in the summer). She was sassy and fun. As we grew up together, we made up games. We built a fort. I rolled backward down her front steps in her Big Wheel and cut my lip for the first time. I tried curling her impossibly straight blond hair with a curling iron and got a little too close to her scalp, so she sang, "Refry my brain, refry my brain!" to the tune of the Go-Go's song We Got the Beat. We had sleepovers all the time, and we'd talk about boys. We'd ride bikes together all over the neighborhood. We went trick-or-treating together, some years, like the year she put on a garbage bag and her older sister's belt and went as a punk rocker. Every time she had a birthday party, it was a chance to play Bingo at her kitchen table and walk a line with a potato balanced on the flat side of a butter knife. When we were dragged to the supermarket with her mother or my stepmom, we'd pretend to speak a foreign language. We pretended we were actually 10 years older than we were, and that we lived together in an apartment like Laverne and Shirley. We got into arguments almost every day, but we always made up.

Then I moved away. I remember writing but not getting a response back. New friends came into my life, but as they say, you never forget your first.

I don't know if my friend Jamie and I would still be friends if I hadn't moved away. It's possible we would have drifted apart as so many childhood friends do when they become teens and take separate paths. But of course I will always remember her.

Maybe Jamie moved away too, and is living a glamorous life in a city. Or maybe she is a mom now, with her own mom friends. Maybe she thinks about me once in a while. Maybe someday she'll Google her name and find this post, and contact me.

I am not good at making friends. And that might be why I think about Jamie from time to time.

I hope Fly will grow a friendship like the one I had with Jamie -- someone to make memories with and become a real person with. I also hope he doesn't stop there and is better at making friends than I am. The world can be an unfriendly place. But if you're the kind who can make friends quickly, the world is a lot more friendly, and life is a lot less lonely.

How to scare friends and deafen people

Flybaby is a real walker, now, and we I couldn't wait to show our friends at the hospital Baby and Me class we go to sometimes. (The teacher told me not long ago he'd be walking by his first birthday.) When we got there, though, the class had been canceled. So I took Flybaby to the mall to make a quick exchange.

One of our Baby and Me class friends was at the mall -- well, he and his mom, from Switzerland -- so we stopped to chat. Fly has been antsy for days (is it the walking?) and was squealing his displeasure as loudly as he possibly could at being in a stroller. This frightened his friend, opposite him in his own stroller, and he made the most pitiful face and cried.

"Oh, Flybaby, you've scared your friend," I said. "Shhh! Don't squeal, baby." I apologized to the nice Swiss woman, who must have wondered what makes American babies so loud.

"That's all right," she said, soothing him. "He's sensitive. He needs to learn."

My Swiss friend went on to say several of the moms don't like the new class teacher and are doing something called Stroller Strides, and maybe I'd like to come?

Then Flybaby starting squealing again. And his friend screwed up his face and cried again. This time, his mom took him out of the stroller to comfort him, speaking to him in, uh, Swiss? German? I heard the word "freund." And I felt soooo bad.

"We'd better go," I said. "I'm so sorry. I don't want to stay and chat and just make your little one cry more."

So I wheeled Fly in the opposite direction, his squealing filling the high-ceiling corridor of the mall like an opera singer's notes filling a concert hall.

Truly, dolphins and whales were beaching themselves somewhere. Neighborhood dogs perked up their ears and howled. My ears are still ringing.